Two Halves Make a Hole

By Sabine Won

W

hen you put two halves together
you make a whole
This is basic math
But when you merge
Different ethnicities
The rules of math change
When my parents combined two halves
I was left with a hole in my identity
This is racial arithmetic

Early in my life
I noticed that I was different
From my friends
I asked my father why his skin
Looked different than my mother’s
He laughed and told me
He was Chinese
It was said lightly
Matter-of-factly
Without any warning of how much
This would affect my life

My father came to the U.S.
When he was 8 years old
He put himself through college
And joined the military
Serving his country for twenty years
He met my mother
While stationed in Germany
She said she had never seen anyone
That looked like him
They married two years before
Interracial marriage was legalized
In all fifty states
Trailblazers

Growing up
Church was a safe place
Where we belonged
But once we stepped outside the doors
Everyone seemed to forget
We were children of God
Continually judged by our looks
Not the content of our character

Raised in a suburb
Outside of San Francisco
I was grateful to live there
Such a diverse area
Although there still were
Preconceived notions of mixed races
Half white, half other
Two halves make a whole
But not when it comes to racial arithmetic

Basic math doesn’t apply
To people of color
Just one drop of any race
Mixed in with white
You’re wholly perceived as “Other”
Often the only option to choose
When filling out forms

The science proving
We’re the same underneath
Ignored
The fact that
Race is a social construct
Forgotten
The biblical truth that
We’re all made in the image of God
Dismissed
Deep-seated prejudices
Take precedence over truth
This is racial arithmetic

The world dictates which parts
Of our identity
We’re allowed to embrace
Society doesn’t treat
Multiracial mixtures
As whole people
They’re stigmatized depending on
How exotic they look

German mother and Chinese father
Half and half
Statistically fifty percent white
But society denies me access
To white privilege
Half of my identity erased
Just because I look more Asian

In racial arithmetic
One plus one
Doesn’t always equal two
One culture plus another culture
Sometimes equals chaos
Values and traditions from both parents
I was raised biculturally
Yet consider myself tricultural

In order to fit in
We assimilate
Adopt a new culture all our own
Sacrificing parts of ourselves
To make room for dominant values
In my family
There was a little bit of both
Maybe this is what they mean
By the melting pot of America

The challenge lies in living
Authentically
Without losing yourself in the process
Camouflaging parts of myself
Just to make others more comfortable
Exhausting
We must embrace all the parts
That make us whole

Living life
According to other’s expectations
Not a solution
Being true to yourself
So much more rewarding
It’s up to us
To accept ourselves and others
It’s up to us
To reject racial arithmetic

How many parts make a whole?
I am the proof
Of my unique equation

Photo by Jeswin Thomas on Unsplash

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I am a biracial mother, educator and accidental activist from Northern California. I have used creativity in all of my careers ~ first as a graphic designer, then as a stay-at- home-mom raising my family, and currently as an educator in public schools. I also lead the communications team at SURJ San Mateo, a local chapter of Showing Up for Racial Justice, and I am an ordained Elder and Deacon at Trinity Presbyterian Church.

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