Honor, Shame, and Unity During These Divisive Times

We can learn a lot about what unity is—and what it’s not—through the lens of honor and shame.

By Roy Mong

C

ollectively as a nation, the United States doesn't know how to deal with shame, and it's tearing us apart.

If we supplement how we view our current political climate by adding an honor-shame worldview lens to our typical guilt-innocence worldview, we may be able to increase our ability to move toward both the unity and the justice that everybody wants.

Think about it this way: in the volatile conversation around race, everybody is convinced they are on the right side, and everyone else is wrong. The result is that we feel exhausted and overwhelmed by all the “dialogue” (which is really just heated arguing) and the distrust we have over the issue. This has to change because race is not just a political issue. it’s a matter of life and death to many in our country.

We shouldn’t feel compelled to pick a side and go to war against the other, especially when reflecting on shame and honor can help clarify our thoughts, feelings, and actions in a way that could grow our potential to come together and work toward a common goal.

This is the real problem: our hyper-individualistic society breeds a thirst to belong to a collective group of people, and shame tells us that we have to say and do the same things or else we’ll be kicked out of the group. And nobody wants to be alone.

Here’s an example with shame and honor that all Asian Americans know well: when we brought our mom’s delicious home-cooked food to school. For most of us, some classmates said something like, “Ew! What is that? Ugh, it smells!” And we would tell our moms, “Hey, I want to bring Lunchables to school instead."

We wanted to fit in, and we would have done anything to do so.

That’s what our politics looks like today. The more we want to fit in with a political party, the more we feel like we have to speak stronger, louder, and more radically. To belong to “us,” we feel like we have to war against “them.”

From thinking through our political climate with shame and honor, I’ve learned three valuable lessons on unity that will help us progress toward true justice:

1. Unity is not uniformity.

2. Unity runs on the currency of relationship.

3. Unity follows the right meaningful action.

Unity is Not Uniformity

The most in-our-face problem is that we are literally fighting and killing each other. 

In 2016, I went to a majority-white Baptist megachurch in the Dallas area. On July 7 that year, Micah Xavier Johnson opened fire on a group of police officers in our city out of anger and retaliation at the deaths of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile.

On September 1, Colin Kaepernick knelt in a professional football game for the first time. 

Outrage against these events became rallying points as the majority of my church community prepared to vote in the 2016 election. I voted differently from most of my peers. And there was a part of me that felt shame for it. 

I had to fight against the shame of thinking, “Am I wrong for wanting to vote this way?” because I kept hearing that real Christians should vote a different way.

What I experienced that year is a small microcosm of what our nation is undergoing right now. In an effort to belong to a racial group, political party, or both, we take sides. In taking sides, we separate from one another and wage war. In waging war, we panic and call for unity. But what we actually want isn’t unity; it’s uniformity. 

Shame tells us that we are a mistake if we diverge from the group consensus. We look back on a history of tradition and say, “How can you break from tradition? That’s shameful. It’s dishonoring to the rest of our group.” Pastor Eugene Cho puts it this way in his book Thou Shalt Not Be a Jerk, “We can make cacophonous noise in our self-insulated choir, but if everyone is making the same noise, we may be deceived into thinking we’re making harmonious music.”

In that season, the Lord reminded me of Matthew 5:46 (ESV): “For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?” Jesus says that it should be easy for people to love others like them. That’s why he calls us to love our enemies. It should be easy for Christians to love other Christians. 

I felt convicted because I was having trouble loving Christians who thought I was wrong for voting differently. I realized then that it was because of the shame I felt.

Shame says we need to fight to belong somewhere. The gospel says that, as Christians, we already belong. Unity necessitates communication and collaboration with people that think and act differently from us. The gospel frees us up to do exactly that.

Unity Runs on the Currency of Relationship

Since 2016, I’ve been exhausted and overwhelmed. So have many others around me. Everyone has lost relationships or suffered deteriorating relationships, and we’re sad and hurt because of it.

In the conversation surrounding race, our personal views of “right” and “wrong” are causing battle lines to be drawn much in the same way as in the American Civil War. We feel the need to either self-protect or self-promote because we have an insecurity in how to talk and act on it—and we sacrifice relationships to prove that we are "right".

An honor-shame worldview provides a significantly different and useful perspective. If we think about doing what’s honorable instead of what’s right, we can save relationships that are crucial to progress.

In 2018, when Nike came out in support of Colin Kaepernick and his protests against racial injustice, I posted on social media in support of their decision. That same day, I got a call from a white church leader who said he got a call—passed down through other white leaders—for me to remove that post because it might offend members of the majority-white megachurch I attended.

I had a pretty good idea whom the complaint originated from. Even so, I chose to maintain honor in that relationship by showing patience and grace and continuing to work together with that person.

Just recently, we talked about that incident and he admitted the call started with him. He also said I was the first person he knew who supported Nike’s decision, and it helped him to begin seeing the historical injustices the Black community has faced.

In that situation, the result of choosing to honor others and preserve the relationship led to more progress than choosing to be “right” ever could.

Unity Follows the Right Meaningful Action

In detailing his main reasons for leaving the Southern Baptist Convention, pastor John Onwuchekwa says, “Understand, unity is a goal, but unity in and of itself is not a vice or a virtue. Unity is a vehicle. The most important thing about a vehicle is who or what’s driving. Bad guys are unified—but their unity doesn’t do much good!”

Over the past several years, I’ve learned that this understanding is crucial with the model minority myth. Asian Americans have our own collective shame to deal with—and we’ve tried to medicate it in the past with ambition as our drug. We’ve prioritized achieving honor through dominating academics, building successful careers, and grasping at the American Dream. In the process, we’ve allowed a wedge to be driven deeper and deeper between us and our minority brothers and sisters.

The Asian American community already knows that tolerating this has done nothing to bring unity—and it’s no longer an option.

If we want unity, we need to restore wholeness to collective relationships between us and our minority brothers and sisters, and—since honor is a public thing—we need to embrace the right kind of meaningful, public action. Now is not the time for us to sit back and duck our heads.

Hebrews 12:12-13 says, "Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed” (ESV).

Since 2016, I’ve learned that the pathway to true unity includes identifying and addressing how shame and honor are already at work. The Asian American Christian community has a significant role to play here. We can help our fellow Americans recognize aspects of the honor-shame worldview in a way that lends itself to making progress towards true unity and justice.

Photo by Randy Fath on Unsplash

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Roy Mong is a restorer of wholeness and works as a leadership coach and writer. He believes that the good news should truly be good news to those who hear it and seeks to exemplify that in his coaching and writing. He lives in Dallas, TX, with his wife, daughter, and second child on the way. You can follow him on Instagram and see more of his work on his website.