Hey, is there something wrong with me?
By Emily Leung
To continue our series on how gender roles in the Church are viewed through AAPI Christian lenses, Emily reflects on how she navigates gendered expectations inside and outside Christian spaces. For more on the series, check out our conversation about “Jesus and John Wayne.”
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t was a high school summer bible study when I first heard about the term complementarian. Our youth director was leading a series on biblical man/womanhood. As with many things, there lies a spectrum of understandings, iterations, and practices within complementarianism. However, as we followed through this particular study, we learned of the separate but equal roles of both men and women in ministry, life, church, and relationship. It wasn’t a subtle discovery. It was clear where women belonged and where they didn’t. Now this isn’t to say that complementarianism is “bad,” and another is, “good,” – but here is where the tension began. There wasn’t an alternative offered. This was the way.
So what does an, “opinionated,” “intense,” “strong-willed” (words likely used to describe women) do? Where does someone like me fit in?
From youth to young adulthood, I consistently found myself in the in-between. I had a desire to grow and learn, but when it came to church ministries, people didn’t quite know what to do with me. “We want you to develop,” they said, “but we aren’t able to facilitate an internship with a male pastor.” “You are very perceptive and organized, has anyone told you that you may have the gift of administration?” I found myself in spaces where I was the only woman of color in a room full of white male pastors. Was there something wrong with me?
Why couldn’t I be satisfied with managing a church’s social media account? I was still connecting people. In complete sincerity, communications is an essential element to any ministry program. I still got to attend the weekly teaching team meetings. I may not be able to preach during a Sunday service, but at least I’m able to observe. It’s okay that the church doesn’t have the capacity to specifically work with me as an intern because it’s a small team. They are looking to hire someone part-time, to do something likely akin to what I offered to do for free, but I can volunteer or join a small group. Why isn’t this enough? Why did I have the desire for more? Why do I have the desire for more?
The intersection of my identities looks more like a knot than a four-way stop. I am Chinese American. I am a woman. I am a seminary graduate. And more. These identities make up my personhood as a child of God – made in the image more than just various forms of representation. So where do I go from here? Broken, disappointed, disillusioned even. I’m sad. I’m lost. Like a tumbleweed rolling through a desert without direction. Just a knot of identities.
But I still believe in more.
I believe that relationship and discipleship not only between genders, but also generations, culture, and all identities, are essential to better understand the diversity and beauty of God’s image. This is reclaiming the Imago Dei. This is reclaiming the image of God: that we can learn, love, and grow through relationship, walking, stumbling, and jogging with those pursuing God’s love and life for us. It is in these times I am reminded of the people that God spoke to and called. From Moses, a fugitive with a speech impediment called to lead God’s chosen people out of bondage, to the woman at the well, who Jesus shared the gospel with and who would share the gospel with others by sharing her story. These people – who were broken and in hiding – were called out by God to do good work.
So what does it look like to have intergenerational partnerships, mentorships, and friendships? What does it look like to develop a cohort of women and men who would like to serve the Lord in various capacities within church ministries? How do we grow women pastors, if in a predominantly male space, we don’t have inter-gender mentorships? What are ways we can be intentional with our time or with our seats at the table for those who may need it more than us? How can we better identify our privileges within our lives to advocate and partner with those who don’t share the same access?
I will be honest, I am struggling with finding belonging within a traditional church space. I had a co-worker recently ask me if I felt guilty about not using my master’s degree in my current role. I work in higher education within a business school, not exactly a stone’s throw from theology. I told her I did not feel guilty. I believe in the time I spent completing my degree. I have found that my training in pastoral ministries, theology, and biblical studies has continued to influence how I participate in the world and how I relate to people.
It is these moments when I see how I use my gifting in my daily life. It is these moments, when I am able to recognize the room for ministry and service outside of a traditional church space. Whether it is sharing an encouraging word of lament to a struggling friend or an intentional discipleship with a younger woman, I am reminded of the desire God has put in my heart. To serve and love others. To see the outsider and to connect with the broken like me. In my brokenness, I find hope through the relationships I have with my community of support. Connected through texts, Facetimes, and email, my group of gals, mentors, and church aunties ground me. They walk with me even when I want to walk away.
Even in my darkest moments where the baggage feels heavy, burdensome even, I hold tight. When I feel like there is something wrong with me, something wrong with the passion that God put in my heart for church community, for worship, for discipleship, for teaching and preaching, I cling to knowing that I am made in God’s image. I cling to knowing that God hears my lament and is here in my struggle. For, “In the image of God he created him; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27, ESV). So in the fullness of God’s beauty and grace, we can be empowered and confident knowing we are made in the image of the Creator.
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