Disrupting Shame and Moving Toward Healing

By Sandhya Oaks

S

hame is something we never ask for, but it finds us in those moments where we are most vulnerable and tender. As a South Asian woman who is also a transracial adoptee, there have been layers of shame that I have been invited to bring curiosity, kindness, and the light of Christ to help extinguish the darkness. This of course has not come easily but with great war.

Over the course of this year, I will be curating and posting a variety of resources that engage shame, mental health, Christianity, and the Asian American experience. I am not Brené Brown nor do I hold a Doctorate in Psychology, but I do know shame well and have seen it rear its ugly head in my life. I have also seen victory when shame is disrupted, crushed, and conquered. 

Helpful definitions:

Shame:  “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging” (Brené Brown).

Self-contempt: judgement put on one’s self or one’s actions. 

Three significant things to know about shame as a follower of Christ and as an Asian American

1. Shame came into being in Genesis and it is a part of our Asian American history and culture. The Garden of Eden is where Adam and Eve encountered the serpent, which eventually led to the birth of shame. 

It is important to name and hold the tension, knowing that you are a part of a long lineage of Asian Americans who have come up against shame as well. Many Asian Americans struggle with shame as it’s part of the spiritual and cultural legacies of this world. You aren’t alone in it, and that in itself can bring freedom through a communal connection.

The ways people have called Asians “yellow” and have made fun of accents, eyes, and other racial features stems from the fact that we live in a fallen world and people are inherently sinful beings. The stigmas our grandparents and parents have carried, we too carry with us inside our genes and bodies. 

Although shame in the Asian American culture isn’t new, it is still painful, crushing, and can be dangerous. You are not alone in your shame.

2. Shame and contempt create a tunnel of darkness. Shame is a painful feeling and contempt is a self-inflicted judgement. Self-contempt can sound like: “I am so stupid for forgetting to email my boss,” “I will never be successful like my older brother,” “I feel dumb and foolish for wanting to talk about the sadness I am experiencing.” Self- contempt is a vicious cycle that brings one down to a place of oppression, anxiety, isolation, and paralyzation. 

We see in the Bible: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Rom 8:1, NIV). Condemnation can be from others or from ourselves, and there is NONE if we have claimed Jesus as our Savior and Lord. This is GOOD news.

It is far easier for us to be condemning and pour contempt on ourselves than it is to be kind, gentle and caring. The next part will help us to lean into these godly characteristics for help when we are walking in moments of shame and contempt.

3. Kindness is disruptive. Kindness is powerful and can disrupt shame and contempt. We see in Romans 2:4 that it is the kindness of God that leads us to repentance. We also see in Galatians 5 that kindness is a fruit of the Spirit. We see in the scriptures that kindness is powerful, and I have seen this firsthand in my life. 

When I am feeling insecure and vulnerable about my intelligence and capability, I can easily go down a path of these thoughts: “I am so dumb,” “I don’t represent the South Asian culture well,” “I should know better and do better.” This tunnel has no end but gets darker and darker the longer it goes. When I activate the kindness of God that he has given to me through his Spirit, I am able to pause, take a deep slow breath, exhale, and talk to the little girl in me (who first started sharing these words with herself). Then I can identify the reasons why I am vulnerable, the ways this thinking is hurting me and defaming God’s creation, and speak rather like this: “I know you (Sandhya) feel tender and vulnerable and that is okay. You are not alone and we will walk through this together. You are fully South Asian, fully a child of God, and have freedom to mess up. You don’t have to be “smart” to be Asian nor do you have to be “smart” to be God’s child. He loves you as you are, my dear.” These words calm me and I continue sharing these generous, warm, truthful words to myself and this leads me out of the path of shame. 

As we journey along this year, we will engage shame from a variety of angles. My heart is to help each of us dismantle the shame that keeps us frozen, isolated, fearful, oppressed, and invite God to help transform it through his loving kindness, which he offers to every Asian American who follows him.

Self-reflection questions:

Where do you notice shame in your story as an Asian American man or woman?

Are there bodily features that carry shame for you?

Shame is isolating. Who are two people you can invite into your thoughts and feelings with shame? (Knowing well this is a hurdle to climb as an Asian American).

Take a moment to invite Jesus into the shame. What do you notice him saying to you about the shame you are experiencing?

Photo by Gift Habeshaw on Unsplash

---

Sandhya Oaks is a campus ministry leader, speaker, writer, and advocate. Born in India and adopted as a Transracial Adoptee in the Midwest, she has been serving with Cru Campus Ministry for more than 13 years and is the Co-Founder of The Adoption Triad. She holds a Certificate in Narrative Focused Trauma Care and Resilience Leadership through the Allender Center. Sandhya recently moved to Colorado and spends her free time camping, sipping coffee with friends, and creating tasty charcuterie boards. Connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.